DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December
8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December
9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the
landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the
Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the
first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plough came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.
December
12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment .My neighbour
tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob
is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December
14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold
makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling
the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I
wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December
15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for
the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood
stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in
Alaska, after all.
December
16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down
salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December
17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off
for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood
stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't
believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December
20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More
shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour
kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's
lying.
December
22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit
fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45
minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By
the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried
to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December
23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't
she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn
well lying.
December
24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplough, l broke the shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplough,
I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner
and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a
100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the
wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I
was busy watching for the goddamn snowplough.
December
25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed
in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplough
driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my
shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have
to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill
her.
December
26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's
really getting on my nerves.
December
27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December
28:
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December
29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's
the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December
30:
Roof caved in. The snow plough driver is suing me for a million dollars for the
bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother . 9" predicted.
December
31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.
January
8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why
am I tied to the bed?