How to sing the Blues
by blues man "Blind Lemon Jello" Lubin
|1)||Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."|
|2)||"I got a good woman" is
a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like,
"I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
|3)||The Blues is simple. After you
get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes . . . sort of:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yeah, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher,
and she weigh 500 pound."
|4)||The Blues ain't about choice.
You stuck in a ditch,
you stuck in a ditch,
-- ain't no way out.
|5)||Blues cars: Chevys,
Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, Hyundais, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Blues transportation can also be a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
|6)||Teenagers cain't sing
Adults sing the Blues, an' Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you done shot a man in Memphis.
|7)||Blues can happen in
New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just what all them fancy head docs call "deepression".
Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City is all still the best places to have the Blues, and you cain't have the blues in any place that don't get rain. You can now add Detroit to it.
|8)||A man with male
pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breakin' yo' leg 'cause you out skiing is not the blues. Breakin' yo' leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
ain't got no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is
But outside in the parking lot or sittin' by the dumpster is.
|10)||Good places for the
a) Highway; b) Jailhouse; c) Empty bed; d) Bottom of a whiskey glass.
Bad places for the Blues:
will believe it's the Blues if you wearin' a suit, 'less you happen
to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it,
or you one o them Blues Brothers in their costume, but you ain' one o them
so why don't you just stop kiddin' yoself an' get real, man.
|12)||Do you have the right
to sing the Blues?
|13)||Blues is not a matter
of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
|14)||If you ask for water
and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are
a) Cheap wine; b) Whiskey or Bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee.
The following is NOT Blues beverages:
|15)||If death occurs in a
cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So is the electric chair, drug abuse, and dyin' lonely on a broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or durin' lip-o-suction.
|16)||Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; b) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat River Dumpling|
|17)||Some Blues names for
a) Joe; b) Willie; c) LittleWillie; d) Big Willie e) Bad Willie f) Smelly Willie. g) Ugly Willie.
You git the idea, now...
|18)||Persons with names
like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't ever sing the Blues
no matter how many men they done shot in Memphis.
|19)||Make your own Blues
name Starter Kit:
a) Name of physical infirmity
(Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.);
|20)||I don't care how tragic your life, if you got a computer, you cain't sing the blues.|
back to Exhibits