How to sing the Blues
by blues man "Blind Lemon Jello" Lubin

1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..." pierre02.jpg (45943 Byte)
2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like,
"I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes . . . sort of:

"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yeah, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher,

and she weigh 500 pound."
4) The Blues ain't about choice.
You stuck in a ditch,
you stuck in a ditch,
-- ain't no way out.
5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, Hyundais, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. 
Blues transportation can also be a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6) Teenagers cain't sing the Blues.
Adults sing the Blues, an' Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you done shot a man in Memphis.
7) Blues can happen in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just what all them fancy head docs call "deepression".

Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City is all still the best places to have the Blues, and you cain't have the blues in any place that don't get rain. You can now add Detroit to it.
8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breakin' yo' leg 'cause you out skiing is not the blues. Breakin' yo'  leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
9) You ain't got no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.  
But outside in the parking lot or sittin' by the dumpster is.
10) Good places for the Blues: 
a) Highway;  b) Jailhouse;  c) Empty bed;  d) Bottom of a whiskey glass.

Bad places for the Blues:
a) Dillard's; b) Gallery openings; c) Ivy League Institutions; d) Golf course

11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wearin' a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it,
or you one o them Blues Brothers in their costume, but you ain' one o them
so why don't you just stop kiddin' yoself an' get real, man.
12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if
a) You older than dirt; b) You blind;

c) You shot that man in Memphis after all; d) You can't be satisfied.

No, if
a) You have all your teeth;  b) You were once blind but now can see;

c) The man in Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust fund

13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could.

Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are

a) Cheap wine; b) Whiskey or Bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee.

The following is NOT Blues beverages:
a) Perrier; b) Chardonnay; c) Red Bull; d) Slim Fast.

15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.

So is the electric chair, drug abuse, and dyin' lonely on a broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or durin' lip-o-suction.
16) Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie;  b) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat River Dumpling
17) Some Blues names for men
a) Joe; b) Willie; c) LittleWillie; d) Big Willie e) Bad Willie f) Smelly Willie. g) Ugly Willie.
You git the idea, now...
18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't ever sing the Blues
no matter how many men they done shot in Memphis.
19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.);
b) First name (see above) plus name of a fruit (Lemon, Lime, Pineapple-Guava, Kiwi, Apple etc.);
c) Last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, Clinton, Bush etc.);
d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

(Well, maybe not the "Kiwi.") Deaf'n'Dumb Apple Bush, you git it.

20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you got a computer, you cain't sing the blues.

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